Woman Assaulted By Pack of Rabid Smoke Signals in Leicestershire

By Veronica Harley

01.03.11 - Nottingham, UK

Wigston Magna. Normally quiet and dreary, the townsfolk awoke this afternoon to bear witness to a grizzling assault. A woman, Amanda Hemingway, was laid sprawled out in a pool of what could only be described as either brown-coloured blood or as mud, with local sources preferring the former explanation.

Mrs. Hemingway was visibly shaken when onlookers came to help, and as she regained cognitive abilities, the events surrounding her discovery began to surface.

"It were like a nightmare" Said Mrs. Hemingway, "I were all happening at once, I hadn't no control over it - over them."

"Viscous" Pack

As it transpired, the horrific truth was that Mrs. Hemingway was assaulted by a viscous pack of some six or seven smoke signals.

"They just surrounded me. I couldn't escape them even when I tried."

Mrs. Hemingway's case is just one of a startlingly large rise in smoke signal assaults, where within the first three months of this year alone there has been a 100% increase in smoke signal attacks compared to the entire last decade. Concerned mother-of-four Dolly Felix has set up a community group, Mothers Against Smoke Signals in order to "raise awareness of the problem and solutions to deal with the problem within the community". "Its just absolutely shocked the community" said Mrs. Felix "shocked. Words cannot really begin to describe, although shocked fits the bill fairly well."

Normally Harmless

Smoke signal expert Philip Broadsmith, however, advises people "not to be alarmed".

"Smoke signals are normally harmless to humans" he said, citing that age-old zoologist hack that they 'only normally attack when threatened' or some-such, and so long as 'you leave them alone they'll do the same to you'. You know, the normal complacency-mongering stuff dished out in this situation.

When asked about possible causes for the pack assault, Mr. Broadsmith replied "the smoke signals in question seem to have been driven rabid due to smoke inhalation", and whether pressed further about whether this would only become more frequent, he replied "Look, there hasn't been a single smoke signal assault on a human being in the UK in over a decade!", which we take to mean that yes, smoke signal attacks are going to be on the rise.

Tried

Today at 4:50 PM, the government Minister for Smoke, Simon Bolivia, gave a press statement concerning the attack, claiming sympathy for the victim and her community.

Smoke Minister Simon Bolivia

"The problem is, we've tried everything to prevent this kind of attack." said Mr. Bolivia. "Smoking indoors has been banned, petrol prices have been raised, income has been slashed, and I'm not sure what else can be done. I mean, these aren't even tobacco smoke signals, but campfire or bonfire ones!"


Hunting of the renegade smoke signals has been deemed "ineffective" as they are known to slip past the nets, and a smoke signal rights group, headed by oh look its Mr. Broadsmith again, are urging the government not to cause any discomfort to populations of smoke signals.

Mrs. Hemingway remains in a "critical but unharmed" situation, according to Leicestershire county hospital.

New Theories on Mass Weapons of Destruction

By Adrian Opal

05.01.2011 - Nottingham, UK

Our ancestors were what made us into us. But what were their lives really like? New archaeological evidence asserts that their lives could have in fact been much better off than our own.

Doctor Alfred Borgé has put forward a hypothetical example that the Renaissance was not so much a golden age coming from the dark ages as a reversal of that.

"They were much more advanced than ourselves" said the doctor, whose credentials include a degree. "Whereas we have computers and microchips and nuclear missiles, they had much, much more advanced technology with much simpler designs".

Doctor Borgé asserts that the wealth of swords found during the period were "not weapons of war, but weapons of peace".

It all makes sense

"If you think about it, why would these states be warring if they were so advanced? No, the reasons for the masses of swords is that they were used by our Medieval counterparts to conduct electricity."

The doctor continued, "Think about it. All these swords - these supposed weapons - they're all made of metals. Conductive metals at that. And there are so many of them! They obviously used to line them up to conduct electricity!"

When pressed on why the weapons have their traditionally sharp shapes, the doctor argued that this was to better facilitate the conduction of electricity.

"I mean, they even came up with much more efficient conduction techniques than ourselves! Our minds cannot boggle what they've found and made and used for hundreds of years!"

Backlash

But there has been some backlash from traditionalist groups. In particular, Josef Malakhvan of the University of Manhattan's Military History department slated the hypothesis as being "lacking of sufficient evidence", to which supporters of Borgé have retaliated by reiterating Borgé's original arguments.

"I think that people like Malakhvan want to continue the doctrination into our minds that war is somehow... Normal, and has been since time immemorial" said human rights' activist Dmitri Constance, continuing with "I think Borgé's hypothesis finally refutes that. War is not the natural order of things - its an invented concept, an anachronism."

Opponents of Borgé's controversial view are expected to launch a protest outside of the UN building in New York against this outlandish theory. Their message is clear: don't listen to this nonsense, and listen to us instead!

GAMERS RIOT ON FACEBOOK, IN RESPONSE TO THE TRUTH.

By Django This.
14.02.11 - London, Greater London





The Daily Lyes has received several anonymous tips from esteemed readers, that gamers do in fact believe that games are art.

We are told that gamers are starting a riot, via facebook, where they are signing petitions to censor the Daily Lyes. But The Daily Lyes shall not be censored. I was sent, into Facebook, to find some of the gamers responsible. But they had turned their privacy settings on. Clearly, they do not want to be seen.

This cult of techno-fetish punks and hackers, not only want to censor The Daily Lyes, but they believe that their argument irrevocably confirms that video games are art, and they won't allow any one to even offer a counter point. It's the Death of the Author, all over again.

I am also told that I am receiving harrassment on Twitter.

The Daily Lyes would like to assure our readers that video games are still not art. And that this writer, can not wait for Atlus to Shrug, so that all the gamers can fall off the planet and single-handedly restore the country's economy.