Update: Ukrainian Crisis

By Alfred Johns

12.02.2015 - Kyiv, Ukraine

As I walked down the streets of Donetsk, there was a tension in the air. Not surprising really, as the air had seen a barrage of artillery fire not moments prior. But for the citizens of Donetsk, it was life as normal.

Building shelled in Donetsk, much like many that I passed myself.

Eventually, I came to an elderly woman selling shoes on the lonely cold street. Even in a time of war, people need to do what they can to get by. I asked her if she felt safe. She stoically shook her head and stoically replied "no, no, neet anglaiski". But alas, even through her fears, she needs to work.

Praying For Peace

One place where people don't seem to be working all too well are in the diplomacy rooms of the peace discussions. The "Big 5" as they are known - Russia, Germany, France, Belarus, and of course the United States, have been trying to hash out a ceasefire initiative, but to little avail.

And while the world leaders have been blundering, rebel forces on the ground have only continued to be plundering.

The Russian-backed rebels hold a large swath of Ukrainian territory - unrecognised to the rest of the world. This includes the major Ukrainian cities of Donetsk, Rostov-on-Don, and Luhansk, as well as the province of Crimea - the only area which Russia has formally annexed.

 Map of the current military situation in Ukraine.

Though the fighting has remained consistent and deadly, the borders have changed little since the opening of hostilities in the Spring of last year. For the most part however, few wonder why the Ukrainian government has been unable to force a decisive victory over the rebels.

For a starters, whereas Russia is providing ample covert support to the rebels in terms of high-tech armaments and combat-experienced special forces, Ukraine's backers (primarily in the West) are much more apprehensive about providing direct military aid to Ukraine's forces - primarily out of the fear that this will escalate to the extent that Russia is brought much more openly into conflict with Ukraine and other Western neighbours. This show of Chamberlainean appeasement by the likes of Merkel and Obama leaves the Ukrainian forces ill-equipped with outdated, Soviet-era equipment.

Pro-Ukrainian volunteers prior to deployment.

Another reason is that the rebels are holding on to a significant chunk of Ukraine's territory: upwards of 40% by most estimates. This includes much of Ukraine's Black Sea ports, as well as its only access to the Caspian Sea and many of its major Eastern cities. A major crackdown on a Ukrainian population centre such as Donetsk or Rostov-on-Don could provoke a major backlash against their presence in other, not-currently affected areas of significant Russian presence such as Odessa and Kharkhiv. It would also provide very real impetus for the eager Russian Federation to move in - perhaps formally annexing the vital region surrounding the Azov Sea.

Sanctions

Of course, though they could not step up and commit themselves to a military solution to the conflict, the united countries of The West have instead opted to increase sanctions on the Russian regime.

When pressed by The Daily Lyes on why they resort to throwing sanctions despite the proven track record of sanctions being useless, both the press offices of the White House and Downing Street refused to comment, instead spilling a load of babble about how they are committed to showing a strong response to Russian aggression. We did, however, receive a response from one Marianne Le Pen, who insisted that the measures in place were already severe enough and that this had absolutely no bearing to the funding her party has been receiving from the Russian Federation.

Well, that answers that one then.

A member of the pro-Russian Donbass insurgent tree-surgeon brigade.

At press time, a ceasefire discussion is still in the works. But as young businessman in Donetsk joked to me: don't hold your breath.

New Laws Make Everybody Richer

By Norton Winston

05.02.2012 - London, Greater London

The rich get richer, the poor get poorer: the problem of how to increase one group in societies' wealth without it affecting another's has been baffling government think-tanks for decades. And at no point has it ever been more relevant than now, during the credit crunch. Apart from maybe other economic downturns. But they are irrelevant, because they are in the past. However, looking back to this very past has provided the Currency Minister, Ian Rogerson, a (-0.44, 0.32) on the "Political Compass" therefore making him ideologically a centrist which somewhat fits in with his position as a member of the Liberal Democrats, with the means of achieving this.

In Parliament today, Mr. Rogerson unveiled his new proposed legislation for dealing with currency. He stated to Parliament that "(o)ne pound, a hundred years ago, was worth more than one pound today", acknowledging that this was due to factors such as inflation. His proposal involved legislating on the value of currency to make it worth the same as the same unit of measurement two hundred and fifty years ago. Thus, everybodies' money becomes more valuable.

In a press release delivered by government spokesperson Vanessa Hole, it was stated that "although this will do nothing to bring about more wealth redistribution and equality, everyone will be much richer anyway, so it wouldn't matter so much. A family earning £60,000 a year would be earning more like what is now 6,000,000 a year - a remarkable improvement!" She also added that this should allow Britain to remove its gigantic deficit almost instantaneously, and also meant that we would probably suffer little if we cleaned the slate on all Third-World debt.

Ms. Hole responded to criticisms that this legislation was "completely and utterly ludicrous on every single conceivable level" by suggesting that "no, it isn't". She refuted further complaints that it is impossible to legislate on the intrinsic value of a market-based currency by stating "watch us."

Terrorists Poisoning Our Drugs, Targeting Our Kids.

By Leonard Davies

20.08.12 - Lancashire, UK

Anthrax. A painful and acute disease caused by the spores of the bacterium Bacillus anthracis. Once its killing power belonged only to the realms of nature, now it's swornedly in the hands of man itself.

 

For years the warning signs were obvious. Saddam tried to weaponise anthrax in the 90's. Though he might have failed, Al Qaeda picked up where he left off - and succeeded.

In Lancashire, one man is dead from anthrax which has been cut into his drugs. The intention here is obvious: Al Qaeda are obviously contaminating our drugs with anthrax in order to kill our children.

Children. Young, naive, rebellious. A vicious cocktail of mentality which they mix with anthrax-laced heroin. This could be the child you see playing down the street, the child coming home from school, even your own child.

Dr. Morgan, a medical expert, says further cases are only too likely. Heroin mostly comes from the Al-Qaeda-controlled opium fields of Afghanistan, and now they know how to contaminate, it's gonna be a hard slog stopping them.

We asked the government what measures they're taking. A government spokesperson told us "Well, I think the real question is what would the Labour Party do? I think it's fairly obvious to all that if the Labour Party were in power, that the number of cases would shoot up." We were left to assume that the pun was most definitely intended.

Penny Heath, Labour Party activist, urges action. "What we need is for the Lib-servatives to rethink their economic policy. They need to stop cutting taxes and start focusing on the real issues".

Taking the Fight to Them

But UKIP Deputy MEP Clyde Runtsworth thinks that the real solution lays in taking the fight to the terrorists.

"We've got our armed forces out there, undermanned and undergunned. We've got the SAS, the SBS, MI5. There's no reason we can't go out and catch the terrorists!"

When quizzed in Parliament today on why he hasn't yet caught terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, the Prime Minister was at first befuddled, perhaps indicating that he didn't want to admit responsibility for his failure. When pressed by opposition backbencher's assistant William Potsmith, Mr Cameron replied that Osama is "already dead", further adding "and who the bloody Hell are you, anyway?" The assistant and Mr Cameron then introduced themselves to each other and proceeded with Parliament.

Perhaps we have not yet got to the bottom of this story, but one thing is for sure: If you're going to shoot up some smack, make sure it isn't contaminated.

Woman Assaulted By Pack of Rabid Smoke Signals in Leicestershire

By Veronica Harley

01.03.11 - Nottingham, UK

Wigston Magna. Normally quiet and dreary, the townsfolk awoke this afternoon to bear witness to a grizzling assault. A woman, Amanda Hemingway, was laid sprawled out in a pool of what could only be described as either brown-coloured blood or as mud, with local sources preferring the former explanation.

Mrs. Hemingway was visibly shaken when onlookers came to help, and as she regained cognitive abilities, the events surrounding her discovery began to surface.

"It were like a nightmare" Said Mrs. Hemingway, "I were all happening at once, I hadn't no control over it - over them."

"Viscous" Pack

As it transpired, the horrific truth was that Mrs. Hemingway was assaulted by a viscous pack of some six or seven smoke signals.

"They just surrounded me. I couldn't escape them even when I tried."

Mrs. Hemingway's case is just one of a startlingly large rise in smoke signal assaults, where within the first three months of this year alone there has been a 100% increase in smoke signal attacks compared to the entire last decade. Concerned mother-of-four Dolly Felix has set up a community group, Mothers Against Smoke Signals in order to "raise awareness of the problem and solutions to deal with the problem within the community". "Its just absolutely shocked the community" said Mrs. Felix "shocked. Words cannot really begin to describe, although shocked fits the bill fairly well."

Normally Harmless

Smoke signal expert Philip Broadsmith, however, advises people "not to be alarmed".

"Smoke signals are normally harmless to humans" he said, citing that age-old zoologist hack that they 'only normally attack when threatened' or some-such, and so long as 'you leave them alone they'll do the same to you'. You know, the normal complacency-mongering stuff dished out in this situation.

When asked about possible causes for the pack assault, Mr. Broadsmith replied "the smoke signals in question seem to have been driven rabid due to smoke inhalation", and whether pressed further about whether this would only become more frequent, he replied "Look, there hasn't been a single smoke signal assault on a human being in the UK in over a decade!", which we take to mean that yes, smoke signal attacks are going to be on the rise.

Tried

Today at 4:50 PM, the government Minister for Smoke, Simon Bolivia, gave a press statement concerning the attack, claiming sympathy for the victim and her community.

Smoke Minister Simon Bolivia

"The problem is, we've tried everything to prevent this kind of attack." said Mr. Bolivia. "Smoking indoors has been banned, petrol prices have been raised, income has been slashed, and I'm not sure what else can be done. I mean, these aren't even tobacco smoke signals, but campfire or bonfire ones!"


Hunting of the renegade smoke signals has been deemed "ineffective" as they are known to slip past the nets, and a smoke signal rights group, headed by oh look its Mr. Broadsmith again, are urging the government not to cause any discomfort to populations of smoke signals.

Mrs. Hemingway remains in a "critical but unharmed" situation, according to Leicestershire county hospital.

New Theories on Mass Weapons of Destruction

By Adrian Opal

05.01.2011 - Nottingham, UK

Our ancestors were what made us into us. But what were their lives really like? New archaeological evidence asserts that their lives could have in fact been much better off than our own.

Doctor Alfred Borgé has put forward a hypothetical example that the Renaissance was not so much a golden age coming from the dark ages as a reversal of that.

"They were much more advanced than ourselves" said the doctor, whose credentials include a degree. "Whereas we have computers and microchips and nuclear missiles, they had much, much more advanced technology with much simpler designs".

Doctor Borgé asserts that the wealth of swords found during the period were "not weapons of war, but weapons of peace".

It all makes sense

"If you think about it, why would these states be warring if they were so advanced? No, the reasons for the masses of swords is that they were used by our Medieval counterparts to conduct electricity."

The doctor continued, "Think about it. All these swords - these supposed weapons - they're all made of metals. Conductive metals at that. And there are so many of them! They obviously used to line them up to conduct electricity!"

When pressed on why the weapons have their traditionally sharp shapes, the doctor argued that this was to better facilitate the conduction of electricity.

"I mean, they even came up with much more efficient conduction techniques than ourselves! Our minds cannot boggle what they've found and made and used for hundreds of years!"

Backlash

But there has been some backlash from traditionalist groups. In particular, Josef Malakhvan of the University of Manhattan's Military History department slated the hypothesis as being "lacking of sufficient evidence", to which supporters of Borgé have retaliated by reiterating Borgé's original arguments.

"I think that people like Malakhvan want to continue the doctrination into our minds that war is somehow... Normal, and has been since time immemorial" said human rights' activist Dmitri Constance, continuing with "I think Borgé's hypothesis finally refutes that. War is not the natural order of things - its an invented concept, an anachronism."

Opponents of Borgé's controversial view are expected to launch a protest outside of the UN building in New York against this outlandish theory. Their message is clear: don't listen to this nonsense, and listen to us instead!

GAMERS RIOT ON FACEBOOK, IN RESPONSE TO THE TRUTH.

By Django This.
14.02.11 - London, Greater London





The Daily Lyes has received several anonymous tips from esteemed readers, that gamers do in fact believe that games are art.

We are told that gamers are starting a riot, via facebook, where they are signing petitions to censor the Daily Lyes. But The Daily Lyes shall not be censored. I was sent, into Facebook, to find some of the gamers responsible. But they had turned their privacy settings on. Clearly, they do not want to be seen.

This cult of techno-fetish punks and hackers, not only want to censor The Daily Lyes, but they believe that their argument irrevocably confirms that video games are art, and they won't allow any one to even offer a counter point. It's the Death of the Author, all over again.

I am also told that I am receiving harrassment on Twitter.

The Daily Lyes would like to assure our readers that video games are still not art. And that this writer, can not wait for Atlus to Shrug, so that all the gamers can fall off the planet and single-handedly restore the country's economy.

Student Protest Excells In The Art Of Achieving

By Maria Saintworthy

03.12.2010 - All over the UK, UK

"Swines". "Cavaliers". "Dictatorship". These were some of the words not commonly uttered by students demonstrating in these past few weeks. And for good reason. The first two words have generally fallen out of modern proverbial usage. And they would dare not utter the second, as it would be apocryphal to what the Stalinist reality of their anarcho-liberalist dreams would have eventually become.

These protests, dotted around the country have all excelled in the art of achieving, and that is the art of achieving one thing - absolutely nothing. They complained that the voices of the students had not been heard. They had been heard alright, as they are now, but of course they've also been promptly ignored, as the age-old tradition of society verses students persists.

In a sorry state of affairs, the highlights of these protests themselves weren't initiated or acted upon by the students, but those (probably falsely) claiming to be aligned to the students, breaking Conservative Party office windows, and other such vandalism. Even the police seemed more interesting, what with horses and tear gas and police officers armed with tear gas and mounted on horses. In all honesty, it's no wonder the student protests achieved nothing - indeed, the bigger question is, why did they even bother?

The protests were aimed against cuts and raises. Which seems a bit stupid, really; if something is to be raised, something else needs to be cut, and if something is to be cut, then something else needs to be raised. This is simple economics. Hell, this is simple anything.

One person who in particular should know is Maths student, Lionel Forton. I went undercover to a student protest in his university town of Sheffield, disguised as a disgruntled senior middle class journalist. I asked him the simple question, "Do you agree with the reasons for the protest?" He answered "Yes". This support for the government's policy shows just the naivety of the students - they just want to protest, no matter if they truly believe in it. This would be dangerous if they ever achieved anything, but life has dealt them a hash blow in that they won't. The ones among them who will are precisely the ones who didn't bother showing up to the protests; the ones willing to toe the party lines.

Furthermore, as this image shows, they were more interested in works of fiction than in the actual real life political affairs which they claimed to be protesting:

Dobby is a fictional character. In a recent fictional movie portrayal of the novelized fantasy stories he appears in, he apparently died. This, the students seem to feel, is more important than something they would actually protest for. Broken Britain.

After news of these protests, government ministers whipped themselves up a frenzy - it turns out that events were transpiring across the globe which had nothing to do with the protests, but needed attention urgently. A government spokesperson said:

"We've been very busy these past few days. Things have been happening. In Koreas. In Afghanistan. In the world, really."

 Adding:

"There's no place for listening to students when we have the real world to deal with, the world of hard knocks and broken promises."

Clearly, this world agrees.

THE GNOB - Tyrannosaurus Rex no longer king of the jungle?????

By Dr. Rick Chatham.

12.11.10 - Devon, Devonshire

Last week, a strange gnarled shaft was discovered in the great British countryside. At this point, baffled experts have been unable to determine if it is organic in nature, or simply a badly shaped rock. But consensus agrees that if it is organic, it is very likely a petrified pre-historic penis. A perfectly preserved crown jewel of the age of the dinosaurs.

The object, which is codenamed, the Gnob, is larger than any recorded penis known to man, standing at two feet tall, apparently flaccid.

If the Gnob truly did once belong to a living creature, it would be the largest creature known to man, at least ten times the size of Downing Street.

At this time, Richard Dawkins has not yet commented on the Gnob.

MERLIN TO STOP BEING AWFUL.

By Django This.
08.11.10 - London, Greater London





Today the Daily Lyes received an onymous phone call supplying proof of identification by mouth that the caller was in fact the assistant director for BBC's Merlin, and he subtly hinted by means of explicit statement, that if the television industry economy keeps going the way it is, then Merlin is going to stop being awful.

Merlin started being awful in 2008. So many people tuned in to be disappointed when their rich cultural and historical history was rambled out before them in the fashion of Twilight fan-fiction, that the BBC were more than proud to commision a second and third series.

Our sources say that Merlin is going to start being good with new actors set to take over the cast. Actors who have cheek bones, such as Sean Connery and other fine talents.

(No picture available.)

Our sources are excited for this new dignity. "It's going to be static television . It's going to reach the closest television sets first, like lightning." Said one television executive.

Tirading its way through Arthurian mythology, throwing away vital and timeless ideas with no exchange for good or new storytelling, and bringing the whole family to the television with nothing to scare children or intrigue adults, Merlin is the bastard child of Doctor Who and actual Arthurian Legend. One which it pretends to be similar to, the other which it isn't similar to.

The Merlin Series finale is set to broadcast this saturday.

This week, Django watched Day of the Dead. "Let's face it, Bob
the zombie was clearly the main character."

EPIC FINALE SEES THE SOURCE OF LIFE UNDER WALFORD.

By Django This
01.11.10 - London, Greater London





Eastenders is slagging into an autoterrific finale soon, that will see Phil Mitchell become the protector of the East End, and a magic mystery dog guides the entire cast to a magic light underneath Walford




This week, Django dished it out under the frog belt.

ARE VIDEO GAMES ART? OF COURSE NOT, WHAT A SILLY QUESTION.

By Django This
25.10.10 - London, Greater London





Are video games art? Some people would say yes. But those people could only say yes from the phone in their basement, where they eat chickens with a spade. Thank god they can't procreate, for the only breasts they see are the breasts of their mothers when it's drinking time. But like rats, gamers don't seem to have a problem with this, and as such, video games are the fastest growing medium and have been rising in sales like an economic plague for the past three decades.

Video games aren't art. Art makes people care. No one cares about the robots Mario jumps on. Because they're cartoons. Cartoons aren't drama. Where are the human characters? Where's the seriousness? Where's the rape?


It's not exactly I, Claudius, is it?

What about this. Is this art?


No. This is gambling. So what have we established so far? That gamers are sinners. One point against video games. But if we are going to analyze an artform, we must analyze the community around it. I signed onto an online see-through-the-eyes-of-the-gun game community and monitered this exchange:

Player1: Ciberdemon!
Player2: Muchos ciberdemos
Player1: Si hay muchos
Player2: Muchos grazias signor

What does this prove???? Only that foreigners are learning a second language that isn't English.

A can of soup can be art. Video games are nothing more than cartoons.

This week, Django saw the new costume change for Doctor Who.
"He's wearing jeans!? Cool. Now I can die p***ed off."

THIS IS ENGLAND, THAT'S A BAFTA.

By Django This
18.10.10 - London, Greater London





This is England. A show that's so good, satirists can't make jokes about it. Because it's not funny.

This is England's proud creator, Shane Meadows, steps forward to claim his BAFTA award.

Only a guy named after a field could make a show that talks about commitment issues, (either that of Woody's inability to say 'I do', or Shaun's momentary hesitation in joining the skinhead gang, and later his brief antagonism with his mother,) and then abandons all possible story potential to talk about something more important, like rape. Elegant contrast. Rape is not funny. No one could possibly make jokes about rape. But they can make drama about rape, because rape is epic.

Rape as depicted in the Bible.

And epic rape needs epic music. It's been rumoured that Shane Meadows is auctioning off his music to car advertisers. The rumours indicate that the current bid is in the millions, or higher.

In the final rape scene, Lol threatens to beat her father to death with a hammer. She turns her back on him, and he advances on her, leading to the rape. Is this saying that Lol wanted to be raped? That a part of her enjoyed it? Of course. I'm sure there are many things in This is England that went over my head, which I will only uncover on repeat viewings, but somethings are too important to go over my head. Rape is obviously an important issue, and therefore the themes and subtleties and nuances must be obvious enough for even a thicko to understand, so the message can get out to as many people as possible.

But the rape scene was also cool. It was so cool. There was a hammer, and a hammer beating. And even Craig Charles bringing happy endings and closure to rape victims like some kind of Disney wish upon a star delivery man. I wish Craig Charles would barge through my door and save me from my rapist. I smell Baftas lining up for this series.

Award winning rape.

Unfortunately, it's about young people. So I can only give it an official Daily Lyes rating of 1/10.

1/10 See me after the Baftas.

Buckingham Not Bang For Buck

By Sophie du'Ponce

15.10.10 - Commonwealth of Nations, World

How harrowing it is, that in these difficult financial times, even the Queen is feeling the punch. And this punch is looking set to make the Queen homeless.

It all started with the financial crisis in 2008. What started out as the Recession, became known as the Crevasse. And like everyone else, the Sovereign was under strain and under funded. So she did what any other person in her situation would do; she took out a remortgage on her home.

The situation in late 2008 looked safe. Buckingham Palace is an expensive property. The Queen is known for her good credit rating. And her income made her one of the wealthiest people in the world. But that was two years ago. And over those two years, the Credit Crunch has been transformed into the Credit Crush. And no-one is feeling it more than the queen.

The reason for this is simple. The Queen gives money via taxes to Parliament. Parliament then distributes this money among the people. The people then pump money to the economy. The economy responds by splitting the money between going back to the people and around to the Monarch. This can be demonstrated in this diagram, where the green arrows represent cash flow:

So if something were to happen at any stage of this diagram, the Monarch would be sure to suffer. And this is exactly what has happened.

And now the Queen finds herself in a dire situation. She has had to miss a couple of remortgage payments, and the lenders are not happy. She's been forced into foreclosure. And this means losing Buckingham Palace.

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace had this to say:

"The circumstances around the repossession of the Palace and subsequent destitution of the Monarch is an unfortunate one, to which we could not see coming, around neither then, nor now"

We don't quite know what this means, but we feel it may be quite important.

The Commissar of the Welfare Right's group SEEB, Harold Monham was not pleased. His opinion on the matter was that this was "outrageous!", and "typical of the fat-cat Tories and their erstwhile Lib Dem allies to allow this to happen!". He went on to further say:

"This is just another in the long legacy of shamelessness enacted in the Crevasse. Another person ' homeless. And we all know why this is. It because t' Tories will only allow this nation's money - which should be going to everyone - to go prop up and line the pockets of their selves and their blue-blooded brethren. Which means the figurative man on the street becomes the actual man on the street!"

When confronted withe the fact that the Queen is in fact one of those "blue-blooded brethren" he talks of, and that it would seem the Tories had not been looking out for her, he declined to further comment on the issue. But he did like to add "in ten or fifteen years time, when ' average man on the street can't even afford a steak-and-kidney pie without that kidney being 'is own, I just 'ope the Tories are happy with their champagne and caviar. I hope they're bloody happy."

In response, the Tory Minister of Science, Simbel Glock, simply said "I probably will be!"

Cameron: "I'm going to make the world a safer place" Experts Disagree.

By Joseph Hinterton

12.10.10 - Oxford, Oxbridge

  Standing outside the Royal Oxford School of Social Sciences at 9 a.m. sharp, the Prime Minister was not in a mood to be messed with. "I'm going to make the world a safer place" said David Cameron, as he made a speech to the children of the secondary school.

David Cameron's plan was simple; he was to issue an Imperial ban on Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, a man who many have previously cited as being third highest person in Al-Qaeda's command chain.

Cameron's stern stare as he authoritatively gave his speech

But many, such as prominent lawyer and legal expert Simon Clark, were quick to disassemble Cameron's plan. "It's absurd!" said Clark. "There's no legal provision which would allow him [Cameron] to issue an Imperial ban on anyone!". Clark went on to say "He isn't even a Monarch! Let alone the Monarch of an empire which hasn't existed for over 200 years!"

"And more to the point, al-Zarqawi has been dead for over 4 years!" added Clark. "What this man is saying is completely insane!"

When approached for comment, a spokesperson for Mr. Cameron told us that the Prime Minister was "sticking by what he said", before claiming that she will "see who gets the last laugh" over Mr. Clark and his allegations.

Reasons why Cameron's Imperial ban cannot work:

• No legal provision in UK or Commonwealth law which would allow Cameron to issue an Imperial ban
• Cameron is not and never has been the Holy Roman Emperor
• The position of Holy Roman Emperor has been non-existent since 1806
• Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has already been dead for over 4 years
• al-Zarqawi was never a UK citizen
• Nor did he ever, to anyone's knowledge, hold any assets within the United Kingdom

EASTENDERS DISCOVERS PLANET, AND BREAKS NEW GROUND WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WAS THERE.

By Django This
11.10.10 - London, Greater London





Eastenders has broken so much new ground lately, that we're running out of places to stand. But the show's directors haven't run out of ground to break yet. They are invading the final frontier, to bring it back and invade us with it.

In a new storyline that subtley started with Phil Mitchell blowing up the Queen Vic, Walford Street is going to be invaded by aliens.



A member of staff leaked this information recently. I met up with one of the producers recently and they said that it's going to be television dynamite. It's going to blow up people's TV's. With aliens coming in through the roof, televsions blowing up, and the ground breaking beneath us, no one is going to be able to hide from Stacie Slater's enormous face. This looks like an exciting Fall for television. I for one welcome our new bafta winning overlord themed Radio Times magazine covers. The storyline will see Bianca get tragically replaced by the aliens, which will end in the return of Bianca and the introduction of a new charater, alien Bianca.

Lib Dems Storming Ahead in the Polls - Could This Be The End of LibServative?

By Jillian Winston-Donolley

11.10.10 - London, Greater London

  The latest* poll results came in today, and for Nick Clegg, they are better than he or his party could ever imagine. What they show is a clear-cut 28-point lead for the Liberal Democrats. However, for the incumbent David Cameron the results show only dismal failure - his Conservative party, the current biggest party in the House of Commons, barely scraping fourth place.

A disappointed David Cameron looks on as a smug Nick Clegg takes the centre-stage of British politics

Just edging ahead of the Conservatives are Labour - a possible sign that Ed Milliband has been welcomed by those disillusioned with what they perceive as being the out-of-touch nature of the Conservative party.

The biggest gains, however, were from the Robe$ is buff party, who up until recently, were unheard of, and yet have climbed a staggering 18 points; a stark reminder for the status quo that perhaps modern British politics is destined to change...

* A few months old

Maldives to Annex British Indian Ocean Territory

By Lewis Ouarouarson

11.10.10 - Male, Maldives
  Fitting, isn't it, that a country which was once a British colony, are now going to be the colonizers. The Maldives is their name, and taking over the British Indian Territory is their game.

It all started back in 2008. The future of the Maldives was looking bleak. Tonnes of water was gushing into the Maldives at an alarming rate, with scientists predicting that the majority of inhabited land on the islands, including the capital of Male, would be submerged by December of 2012.

But what, the Maldivians asked, could they do? Some suggested buying land off of India or Sri Lanka and starting anew. For others, a kind of futuristic underwater Atlantean-style settlement would have been preferred, complete with singing crabs (as can be seen in this promotional video commonly mis-cited as being from the Disney film "A Little Mermaid"). Others still preferred the idea of stopping global warming. But for the level-headed among the population, there was only one option.

That's where this man comes in. He is Abdulla Shahid, Speaker of the Majlis. And if you're wondering why that link is broken, it is because it was deleted, in what can only be described in the mind-altering terms of a cover up.

Mr. Shahid's plan was simple; annex the British Indian Ocean Territory. If the United Kingdom resisted, then it's war - and this would be a war the Maldivians could not afford to lose. On the 1st of August 2009, Mr. Shahid organized a televised press conference, whereby he laid out his nations claims. This plan of action, now, was official.

The British were stumped. On the one hand, how could they afford to lose a vital military base, especially to such a small and inferior country? As Giles Royhard, parliamentary candidate for the British National Party in the constituency of Stepton-upon-Themes was quoted as saying,

"This is an outrage. This is British land. This is British interests. This is British people. And it's an outrage that this country I've never even heard of is laying claim to British soil"

When pressed on whether he had heard of the British Indian Ocean Territory beforehand, Mr. Royhard declined to comment.

On the other hand, we had the appeasers of peace; those who wanted to make reparations to the people of the Maldives for once ruling over them. Miles Royhard, parliamentary candidate for the Respect Coalition in the constituency of Stepton-upon-Themes was one such supporter of this line of thought, claiming that not giving in to the Maldivians would be "brutish", "irrational" and "a return to the dark years of imperial-colonial domination and subordination, the likes of which have not been seen since Thatcher tried to irredeemably impose the Poll Tax upon the subjugated hostages who were the citizens of the United Kingdom", or something to that effect.

Eventually, the British government, led by Gordan Brown in a much-played down speech to his wife, children and masonic overlords, decided to concede to the Maldivian wishes, if nothing else than ruffle the feathers of the BNP, and the date was set: the 11th of October 2010, at 4 p.m. GMT. Conveniently the time the whole world stops for a cup of tea. But there was one condition to this metaphorical huddling-in-the-corner-with-their-arms-protecting-their-face: - the Maldivians had to ceremonially invade the islands.

This is what all the fuss is about - Diego Garcia

So, in all but 5 hours, the amphibious landings shall begin, and this historic change of ownership will commence. And who knows where the future will lead?..