By Norton Winston
05.02.2012 - London, Greater London
The rich get richer, the poor get poorer: the problem of how to increase one group in societies' wealth without it affecting another's has been baffling government think-tanks for decades. And at no point has it ever been more relevant than now, during the credit crunch. Apart from maybe other economic downturns. But they are irrelevant, because they are in the past. However, looking back to this very past has provided the Currency Minister, Ian Rogerson, a (-0.44, 0.32) on the "Political Compass" therefore making him ideologically a centrist which somewhat fits in with his position as a member of the Liberal Democrats, with the means of achieving this.
In Parliament today, Mr. Rogerson unveiled his new proposed legislation for dealing with currency. He stated to Parliament that "(o)ne pound, a hundred years ago, was worth more than one pound today", acknowledging that this was due to factors such as inflation. His proposal involved legislating on the value of currency to make it worth the same as the same unit of measurement two hundred and fifty years ago. Thus, everybodies' money becomes more valuable.
In a press release delivered by government spokesperson Vanessa Hole, it was stated that "although this will do nothing to bring about more wealth redistribution and equality, everyone will be much richer anyway, so it wouldn't matter so much. A family earning £60,000 a year would be earning more like what is now 6,000,000 a year - a remarkable improvement!" She also added that this should allow Britain to remove its gigantic deficit almost instantaneously, and also meant that we would probably suffer little if we cleaned the slate on all Third-World debt.
Ms. Hole responded to criticisms that this legislation was "completely and utterly ludicrous on every single conceivable level" by suggesting that "no, it isn't". She refuted further complaints that it is impossible to legislate on the intrinsic value of a market-based currency by stating "watch us."
Showing posts with label UK. Show all posts
Showing posts with label UK. Show all posts
Sunday, 3 March 2013
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
Woman Assaulted By Pack of Rabid Smoke Signals in Leicestershire
By Veronica Harley
01.03.11 - Nottingham, UK
Wigston Magna. Normally quiet and dreary, the townsfolk awoke this afternoon to bear witness to a grizzling assault. A woman, Amanda Hemingway, was laid sprawled out in a pool of what could only be described as either brown-coloured blood or as mud, with local sources preferring the former explanation.
Mrs. Hemingway was visibly shaken when onlookers came to help, and as she regained cognitive abilities, the events surrounding her discovery began to surface.
"It were like a nightmare" Said Mrs. Hemingway, "I were all happening at once, I hadn't no control over it - over them."
"Viscous" Pack
As it transpired, the horrific truth was that Mrs. Hemingway was assaulted by a viscous pack of some six or seven smoke signals.
"They just surrounded me. I couldn't escape them even when I tried."
Mrs. Hemingway's case is just one of a startlingly large rise in smoke signal assaults, where within the first three months of this year alone there has been a 100% increase in smoke signal attacks compared to the entire last decade. Concerned mother-of-four Dolly Felix has set up a community group, Mothers Against Smoke Signals in order to "raise awareness of the problem and solutions to deal with the problem within the community". "Its just absolutely shocked the community" said Mrs. Felix "shocked. Words cannot really begin to describe, although shocked fits the bill fairly well."
Normally Harmless
Smoke signal expert Philip Broadsmith, however, advises people "not to be alarmed".
"Smoke signals are normally harmless to humans" he said, citing that age-old zoologist hack that they 'only normally attack when threatened' or some-such, and so long as 'you leave them alone they'll do the same to you'. You know, the normal complacency-mongering stuff dished out in this situation.
When asked about possible causes for the pack assault, Mr. Broadsmith replied "the smoke signals in question seem to have been driven rabid due to smoke inhalation", and whether pressed further about whether this would only become more frequent, he replied "Look, there hasn't been a single smoke signal assault on a human being in the UK in over a decade!", which we take to mean that yes, smoke signal attacks are going to be on the rise.
Tried
Today at 4:50 PM, the government Minister for Smoke, Simon Bolivia, gave a press statement concerning the attack, claiming sympathy for the victim and her community.
"The problem is, we've tried everything to prevent this kind of attack." said Mr. Bolivia. "Smoking indoors has been banned, petrol prices have been raised, income has been slashed, and I'm not sure what else can be done. I mean, these aren't even tobacco smoke signals, but campfire or bonfire ones!"
Hunting of the renegade smoke signals has been deemed "ineffective" as they are known to slip past the nets, and a smoke signal rights group, headed by oh look its Mr. Broadsmith again, are urging the government not to cause any discomfort to populations of smoke signals.
Mrs. Hemingway remains in a "critical but unharmed" situation, according to Leicestershire county hospital.
01.03.11 - Nottingham, UK
Wigston Magna. Normally quiet and dreary, the townsfolk awoke this afternoon to bear witness to a grizzling assault. A woman, Amanda Hemingway, was laid sprawled out in a pool of what could only be described as either brown-coloured blood or as mud, with local sources preferring the former explanation.
Mrs. Hemingway was visibly shaken when onlookers came to help, and as she regained cognitive abilities, the events surrounding her discovery began to surface.
"It were like a nightmare" Said Mrs. Hemingway, "I were all happening at once, I hadn't no control over it - over them."
"Viscous" Pack
As it transpired, the horrific truth was that Mrs. Hemingway was assaulted by a viscous pack of some six or seven smoke signals.
"They just surrounded me. I couldn't escape them even when I tried."
Mrs. Hemingway's case is just one of a startlingly large rise in smoke signal assaults, where within the first three months of this year alone there has been a 100% increase in smoke signal attacks compared to the entire last decade. Concerned mother-of-four Dolly Felix has set up a community group, Mothers Against Smoke Signals in order to "raise awareness of the problem and solutions to deal with the problem within the community". "Its just absolutely shocked the community" said Mrs. Felix "shocked. Words cannot really begin to describe, although shocked fits the bill fairly well."
Normally Harmless
Smoke signal expert Philip Broadsmith, however, advises people "not to be alarmed".
"Smoke signals are normally harmless to humans" he said, citing that age-old zoologist hack that they 'only normally attack when threatened' or some-such, and so long as 'you leave them alone they'll do the same to you'. You know, the normal complacency-mongering stuff dished out in this situation.
When asked about possible causes for the pack assault, Mr. Broadsmith replied "the smoke signals in question seem to have been driven rabid due to smoke inhalation", and whether pressed further about whether this would only become more frequent, he replied "Look, there hasn't been a single smoke signal assault on a human being in the UK in over a decade!", which we take to mean that yes, smoke signal attacks are going to be on the rise.
Tried
Today at 4:50 PM, the government Minister for Smoke, Simon Bolivia, gave a press statement concerning the attack, claiming sympathy for the victim and her community.
 |
| Smoke Minister Simon Bolivia |
Hunting of the renegade smoke signals has been deemed "ineffective" as they are known to slip past the nets, and a smoke signal rights group, headed by oh look its Mr. Broadsmith again, are urging the government not to cause any discomfort to populations of smoke signals.
Mrs. Hemingway remains in a "critical but unharmed" situation, according to Leicestershire county hospital.
Friday, 3 December 2010
Student Protest Excells In The Art Of Achieving
By Maria Saintworthy
03.12.2010 - All over the UK, UK
"Swines". "Cavaliers". "Dictatorship". These were some of the words not commonly uttered by students demonstrating in these past few weeks. And for good reason. The first two words have generally fallen out of modern proverbial usage. And they would dare not utter the second, as it would be apocryphal to what the Stalinist reality of their anarcho-liberalist dreams would have eventually become.
These protests, dotted around the country have all excelled in the art of achieving, and that is the art of achieving one thing - absolutely nothing. They complained that the voices of the students had not been heard. They had been heard alright, as they are now, but of course they've also been promptly ignored, as the age-old tradition of society verses students persists.
In a sorry state of affairs, the highlights of these protests themselves weren't initiated or acted upon by the students, but those (probably falsely) claiming to be aligned to the students, breaking Conservative Party office windows, and other such vandalism. Even the police seemed more interesting, what with horses and tear gas and police officers armed with tear gas and mounted on horses. In all honesty, it's no wonder the student protests achieved nothing - indeed, the bigger question is, why did they even bother?
The protests were aimed against cuts and raises. Which seems a bit stupid, really; if something is to be raised, something else needs to be cut, and if something is to be cut, then something else needs to be raised. This is simple economics. Hell, this is simple anything.
One person who in particular should know is Maths student, Lionel Forton. I went undercover to a student protest in his university town of Sheffield, disguised as a disgruntled senior middle class journalist. I asked him the simple question, "Do you agree with the reasons for the protest?" He answered "Yes". This support for the government's policy shows just the naivety of the students - they just want to protest, no matter if they truly believe in it. This would be dangerous if they ever achieved anything, but life has dealt them a hash blow in that they won't. The ones among them who will are precisely the ones who didn't bother showing up to the protests; the ones willing to toe the party lines.
Furthermore, as this image shows, they were more interested in works of fiction than in the actual real life political affairs which they claimed to be protesting:
After news of these protests, government ministers whipped themselves up a frenzy - it turns out that events were transpiring across the globe which had nothing to do with the protests, but needed attention urgently. A government spokesperson said:
03.12.2010 - All over the UK, UK
"Swines". "Cavaliers". "Dictatorship". These were some of the words not commonly uttered by students demonstrating in these past few weeks. And for good reason. The first two words have generally fallen out of modern proverbial usage. And they would dare not utter the second, as it would be apocryphal to what the Stalinist reality of their anarcho-liberalist dreams would have eventually become.
These protests, dotted around the country have all excelled in the art of achieving, and that is the art of achieving one thing - absolutely nothing. They complained that the voices of the students had not been heard. They had been heard alright, as they are now, but of course they've also been promptly ignored, as the age-old tradition of society verses students persists.
In a sorry state of affairs, the highlights of these protests themselves weren't initiated or acted upon by the students, but those (probably falsely) claiming to be aligned to the students, breaking Conservative Party office windows, and other such vandalism. Even the police seemed more interesting, what with horses and tear gas and police officers armed with tear gas and mounted on horses. In all honesty, it's no wonder the student protests achieved nothing - indeed, the bigger question is, why did they even bother?
The protests were aimed against cuts and raises. Which seems a bit stupid, really; if something is to be raised, something else needs to be cut, and if something is to be cut, then something else needs to be raised. This is simple economics. Hell, this is simple anything.
One person who in particular should know is Maths student, Lionel Forton. I went undercover to a student protest in his university town of Sheffield, disguised as a disgruntled senior middle class journalist. I asked him the simple question, "Do you agree with the reasons for the protest?" He answered "Yes". This support for the government's policy shows just the naivety of the students - they just want to protest, no matter if they truly believe in it. This would be dangerous if they ever achieved anything, but life has dealt them a hash blow in that they won't. The ones among them who will are precisely the ones who didn't bother showing up to the protests; the ones willing to toe the party lines.
Furthermore, as this image shows, they were more interested in works of fiction than in the actual real life political affairs which they claimed to be protesting:
 |
| Dobby is a fictional character. In a recent fictional movie portrayal of the novelized fantasy stories he appears in, he apparently died. This, the students seem to feel, is more important than something they would actually protest for. Broken Britain. |
"We've been very busy these past few days. Things have been happening. In Koreas. In Afghanistan. In the world, really."Adding:
"There's no place for listening to students when we have the real world to deal with, the world of hard knocks and broken promises."Clearly, this world agrees.
Friday, 15 October 2010
Buckingham Not Bang For Buck
By Sophie du'Ponce
15.10.10 - Commonwealth of Nations, World
How harrowing it is, that in these difficult financial times, even the Queen is feeling the punch. And this punch is looking set to make the Queen homeless.
It all started with the financial crisis in 2008. What started out as the Recession, became known as the Crevasse. And like everyone else, the Sovereign was under strain and under funded. So she did what any other person in her situation would do; she took out a remortgage on her home.
The situation in late 2008 looked safe. Buckingham Palace is an expensive property. The Queen is known for her good credit rating. And her income made her one of the wealthiest people in the world. But that was two years ago. And over those two years, the Credit Crunch has been transformed into the Credit Crush. And no-one is feeling it more than the queen.
The reason for this is simple. The Queen gives money via taxes to Parliament. Parliament then distributes this money among the people. The people then pump money to the economy. The economy responds by splitting the money between going back to the people and around to the Monarch. This can be demonstrated in this diagram, where the green arrows represent cash flow:
So if something were to happen at any stage of this diagram, the Monarch would be sure to suffer. And this is exactly what has happened.
And now the Queen finds herself in a dire situation. She has had to miss a couple of remortgage payments, and the lenders are not happy. She's been forced into foreclosure. And this means losing Buckingham Palace.
A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace had this to say:
The Commissar of the Welfare Right's group SEEB, Harold Monham was not pleased. His opinion on the matter was that this was "outrageous!", and "typical of the fat-cat Tories and their erstwhile Lib Dem allies to allow this to happen!". He went on to further say:
In response, the Tory Minister of Science, Simbel Glock, simply said "I probably will be!"
15.10.10 - Commonwealth of Nations, World
How harrowing it is, that in these difficult financial times, even the Queen is feeling the punch. And this punch is looking set to make the Queen homeless.
It all started with the financial crisis in 2008. What started out as the Recession, became known as the Crevasse. And like everyone else, the Sovereign was under strain and under funded. So she did what any other person in her situation would do; she took out a remortgage on her home.
The situation in late 2008 looked safe. Buckingham Palace is an expensive property. The Queen is known for her good credit rating. And her income made her one of the wealthiest people in the world. But that was two years ago. And over those two years, the Credit Crunch has been transformed into the Credit Crush. And no-one is feeling it more than the queen.
The reason for this is simple. The Queen gives money via taxes to Parliament. Parliament then distributes this money among the people. The people then pump money to the economy. The economy responds by splitting the money between going back to the people and around to the Monarch. This can be demonstrated in this diagram, where the green arrows represent cash flow:
And now the Queen finds herself in a dire situation. She has had to miss a couple of remortgage payments, and the lenders are not happy. She's been forced into foreclosure. And this means losing Buckingham Palace.
A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace had this to say:
"The circumstances around the repossession of the Palace and subsequent destitution of the Monarch is an unfortunate one, to which we could not see coming, around neither then, nor now"We don't quite know what this means, but we feel it may be quite important.
The Commissar of the Welfare Right's group SEEB, Harold Monham was not pleased. His opinion on the matter was that this was "outrageous!", and "typical of the fat-cat Tories and their erstwhile Lib Dem allies to allow this to happen!". He went on to further say:
"This is just another in the long legacy of shamelessness enacted in the Crevasse. Another person ' homeless. And we all know why this is. It because t' Tories will only allow this nation's money - which should be going to everyone - to go prop up and line the pockets of their selves and their blue-blooded brethren. Which means the figurative man on the street becomes the actual man on the street!"When confronted withe the fact that the Queen is in fact one of those "blue-blooded brethren" he talks of, and that it would seem the Tories had not been looking out for her, he declined to further comment on the issue. But he did like to add "in ten or fifteen years time, when ' average man on the street can't even afford a steak-and-kidney pie without that kidney being 'is own, I just 'ope the Tories are happy with their champagne and caviar. I hope they're bloody happy."
In response, the Tory Minister of Science, Simbel Glock, simply said "I probably will be!"
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Cameron: "I'm going to make the world a safer place" Experts Disagree.
By Joseph Hinterton
12.10.10 - Oxford, Oxbridge
Standing outside the Royal Oxford School of Social Sciences at 9 a.m. sharp, the Prime Minister was not in a mood to be messed with. "I'm going to make the world a safer place" said David Cameron, as he made a speech to the children of the secondary school.
David Cameron's plan was simple; he was to issue an Imperial ban on Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, a man who many have previously cited as being third highest person in Al-Qaeda's command chain.
But many, such as prominent lawyer and legal expert Simon Clark, were quick to disassemble Cameron's plan. "It's absurd!" said Clark. "There's no legal provision which would allow him [Cameron] to issue an Imperial ban on anyone!". Clark went on to say "He isn't even a Monarch! Let alone the Monarch of an empire which hasn't existed for over 200 years!"
"And more to the point, al-Zarqawi has been dead for over 4 years!" added Clark. "What this man is saying is completely insane!"
When approached for comment, a spokesperson for Mr. Cameron told us that the Prime Minister was "sticking by what he said", before claiming that she will "see who gets the last laugh" over Mr. Clark and his allegations.
12.10.10 - Oxford, Oxbridge
Standing outside the Royal Oxford School of Social Sciences at 9 a.m. sharp, the Prime Minister was not in a mood to be messed with. "I'm going to make the world a safer place" said David Cameron, as he made a speech to the children of the secondary school.
David Cameron's plan was simple; he was to issue an Imperial ban on Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, a man who many have previously cited as being third highest person in Al-Qaeda's command chain.
 |
| Cameron's stern stare as he authoritatively gave his speech |
"And more to the point, al-Zarqawi has been dead for over 4 years!" added Clark. "What this man is saying is completely insane!"
When approached for comment, a spokesperson for Mr. Cameron told us that the Prime Minister was "sticking by what he said", before claiming that she will "see who gets the last laugh" over Mr. Clark and his allegations.
Reasons why Cameron's Imperial ban cannot work:
- No legal provision in UK or Commonwealth law which would allow Cameron to issue an Imperial ban
- Cameron is not and never has been the Holy Roman Emperor
- The position of Holy Roman Emperor has been non-existent since 1806
- Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has already been dead for over 4 years
- al-Zarqawi was never a UK citizen
- Nor did he ever, to anyone's knowledge, hold any assets within the United Kingdom
Monday, 11 October 2010
Lib Dems Storming Ahead in the Polls - Could This Be The End of LibServative?
By Jillian Winston-Donolley
11.10.10 - London, Greater London
The latest* poll results came in today, and for Nick Clegg, they are better than he or his party could ever imagine. What they show is a clear-cut 28-point lead for the Liberal Democrats. However, for the incumbent David Cameron the results show only dismal failure - his Conservative party, the current biggest party in the House of Commons, barely scraping fourth place.
Just edging ahead of the Conservatives are Labour - a possible sign that Ed Milliband has been welcomed by those disillusioned with what they perceive as being the out-of-touch nature of the Conservative party.
The biggest gains, however, were from the Robe$ is buff party, who up until recently, were unheard of, and yet have climbed a staggering 18 points; a stark reminder for the status quo that perhaps modern British politics is destined to change...
* A few months old
11.10.10 - London, Greater London
The latest* poll results came in today, and for Nick Clegg, they are better than he or his party could ever imagine. What they show is a clear-cut 28-point lead for the Liberal Democrats. However, for the incumbent David Cameron the results show only dismal failure - his Conservative party, the current biggest party in the House of Commons, barely scraping fourth place.
 |
| A disappointed David Cameron looks on as a smug Nick Clegg takes the centre-stage of British politics |
The biggest gains, however, were from the Robe$ is buff party, who up until recently, were unheard of, and yet have climbed a staggering 18 points; a stark reminder for the status quo that perhaps modern British politics is destined to change...
* A few months old
Maldives to Annex British Indian Ocean Territory
By Lewis Ouarouarson
11.10.10 - Male, Maldives
Fitting, isn't it, that a country which was once a British colony, are now going to be the colonizers. The Maldives is their name, and taking over the British Indian Territory is their game.
It all started back in 2008. The future of the Maldives was looking bleak. Tonnes of water was gushing into the Maldives at an alarming rate, with scientists predicting that the majority of inhabited land on the islands, including the capital of Male, would be submerged by December of 2012.
But what, the Maldivians asked, could they do? Some suggested buying land off of India or Sri Lanka and starting anew. For others, a kind of futuristic underwater Atlantean-style settlement would have been preferred, complete with singing crabs (as can be seen in this promotional video commonly mis-cited as being from the Disney film "A Little Mermaid"). Others still preferred the idea of stopping global warming. But for the level-headed among the population, there was only one option.
That's where this man comes in. He is Abdulla Shahid, Speaker of the Majlis. And if you're wondering why that link is broken, it is because it was deleted, in what can only be described in the mind-altering terms of a cover up.
Mr. Shahid's plan was simple; annex the British Indian Ocean Territory. If the United Kingdom resisted, then it's war - and this would be a war the Maldivians could not afford to lose. On the 1st of August 2009, Mr. Shahid organized a televised press conference, whereby he laid out his nations claims. This plan of action, now, was official.
The British were stumped. On the one hand, how could they afford to lose a vital military base, especially to such a small and inferior country? As Giles Royhard, parliamentary candidate for the British National Party in the constituency of Stepton-upon-Themes was quoted as saying,
On the other hand, we had the appeasers of peace; those who wanted to make reparations to the people of the Maldives for once ruling over them. Miles Royhard, parliamentary candidate for the Respect Coalition in the constituency of Stepton-upon-Themes was one such supporter of this line of thought, claiming that not giving in to the Maldivians would be "brutish", "irrational" and "a return to the dark years of imperial-colonial domination and subordination, the likes of which have not been seen since Thatcher tried to irredeemably impose the Poll Tax upon the subjugated hostages who were the citizens of the United Kingdom", or something to that effect.
Eventually, the British government, led by Gordan Brown in a much-played down speech to his wife, children and masonic overlords, decided to concede to the Maldivian wishes, if nothing else than ruffle the feathers of the BNP, and the date was set: the 11th of October 2010, at 4 p.m. GMT. Conveniently the time the whole world stops for a cup of tea. But there was one condition to this metaphorical huddling-in-the-corner-with-their-arms-protecting-their-face: - the Maldivians had to ceremonially invade the islands.
So, in all but 5 hours, the amphibious landings shall begin, and this historic change of ownership will commence. And who knows where the future will lead?..
11.10.10 - Male, Maldives
Fitting, isn't it, that a country which was once a British colony, are now going to be the colonizers. The Maldives is their name, and taking over the British Indian Territory is their game.
It all started back in 2008. The future of the Maldives was looking bleak. Tonnes of water was gushing into the Maldives at an alarming rate, with scientists predicting that the majority of inhabited land on the islands, including the capital of Male, would be submerged by December of 2012.
But what, the Maldivians asked, could they do? Some suggested buying land off of India or Sri Lanka and starting anew. For others, a kind of futuristic underwater Atlantean-style settlement would have been preferred, complete with singing crabs (as can be seen in this promotional video commonly mis-cited as being from the Disney film "A Little Mermaid"). Others still preferred the idea of stopping global warming. But for the level-headed among the population, there was only one option.
That's where this man comes in. He is Abdulla Shahid, Speaker of the Majlis. And if you're wondering why that link is broken, it is because it was deleted, in what can only be described in the mind-altering terms of a cover up.
Mr. Shahid's plan was simple; annex the British Indian Ocean Territory. If the United Kingdom resisted, then it's war - and this would be a war the Maldivians could not afford to lose. On the 1st of August 2009, Mr. Shahid organized a televised press conference, whereby he laid out his nations claims. This plan of action, now, was official.
The British were stumped. On the one hand, how could they afford to lose a vital military base, especially to such a small and inferior country? As Giles Royhard, parliamentary candidate for the British National Party in the constituency of Stepton-upon-Themes was quoted as saying,
"This is an outrage. This is British land. This is British interests. This is British people. And it's an outrage that this country I've never even heard of is laying claim to British soil"When pressed on whether he had heard of the British Indian Ocean Territory beforehand, Mr. Royhard declined to comment.
On the other hand, we had the appeasers of peace; those who wanted to make reparations to the people of the Maldives for once ruling over them. Miles Royhard, parliamentary candidate for the Respect Coalition in the constituency of Stepton-upon-Themes was one such supporter of this line of thought, claiming that not giving in to the Maldivians would be "brutish", "irrational" and "a return to the dark years of imperial-colonial domination and subordination, the likes of which have not been seen since Thatcher tried to irredeemably impose the Poll Tax upon the subjugated hostages who were the citizens of the United Kingdom", or something to that effect.
Eventually, the British government, led by Gordan Brown in a much-played down speech to his wife, children and masonic overlords, decided to concede to the Maldivian wishes, if nothing else than ruffle the feathers of the BNP, and the date was set: the 11th of October 2010, at 4 p.m. GMT. Conveniently the time the whole world stops for a cup of tea. But there was one condition to this metaphorical huddling-in-the-corner-with-their-arms-protecting-their-face: - the Maldivians had to ceremonially invade the islands.
 |
| This is what all the fuss is about - Diego Garcia |
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