New Theories on Mass Weapons of Destruction

By Adrian Opal

05.01.2011 - Nottingham, UK

Our ancestors were what made us into us. But what were their lives really like? New archaeological evidence asserts that their lives could have in fact been much better off than our own.

Doctor Alfred Borgé has put forward a hypothetical example that the Renaissance was not so much a golden age coming from the dark ages as a reversal of that.

"They were much more advanced than ourselves" said the doctor, whose credentials include a degree. "Whereas we have computers and microchips and nuclear missiles, they had much, much more advanced technology with much simpler designs".

Doctor Borgé asserts that the wealth of swords found during the period were "not weapons of war, but weapons of peace".

It all makes sense

"If you think about it, why would these states be warring if they were so advanced? No, the reasons for the masses of swords is that they were used by our Medieval counterparts to conduct electricity."

The doctor continued, "Think about it. All these swords - these supposed weapons - they're all made of metals. Conductive metals at that. And there are so many of them! They obviously used to line them up to conduct electricity!"

When pressed on why the weapons have their traditionally sharp shapes, the doctor argued that this was to better facilitate the conduction of electricity.

"I mean, they even came up with much more efficient conduction techniques than ourselves! Our minds cannot boggle what they've found and made and used for hundreds of years!"

Backlash

But there has been some backlash from traditionalist groups. In particular, Josef Malakhvan of the University of Manhattan's Military History department slated the hypothesis as being "lacking of sufficient evidence", to which supporters of Borgé have retaliated by reiterating Borgé's original arguments.

"I think that people like Malakhvan want to continue the doctrination into our minds that war is somehow... Normal, and has been since time immemorial" said human rights' activist Dmitri Constance, continuing with "I think Borgé's hypothesis finally refutes that. War is not the natural order of things - its an invented concept, an anachronism."

Opponents of Borgé's controversial view are expected to launch a protest outside of the UN building in New York against this outlandish theory. Their message is clear: don't listen to this nonsense, and listen to us instead!