Tuesday, 1 March 2011

Woman Assaulted By Pack of Rabid Smoke Signals in Leicestershire

By Veronica Harley

01.03.11 - Nottingham, UK

Wigston Magna. Normally quiet and dreary, the townsfolk awoke this afternoon to bear witness to a grizzling assault. A woman, Amanda Hemingway, was laid sprawled out in a pool of what could only be described as either brown-coloured blood or as mud, with local sources preferring the former explanation.

Mrs. Hemingway was visibly shaken when onlookers came to help, and as she regained cognitive abilities, the events surrounding her discovery began to surface.

"It were like a nightmare" Said Mrs. Hemingway, "I were all happening at once, I hadn't no control over it - over them."

"Viscous" Pack

As it transpired, the horrific truth was that Mrs. Hemingway was assaulted by a viscous pack of some six or seven smoke signals.

"They just surrounded me. I couldn't escape them even when I tried."

Mrs. Hemingway's case is just one of a startlingly large rise in smoke signal assaults, where within the first three months of this year alone there has been a 100% increase in smoke signal attacks compared to the entire last decade. Concerned mother-of-four Dolly Felix has set up a community group, Mothers Against Smoke Signals in order to "raise awareness of the problem and solutions to deal with the problem within the community". "Its just absolutely shocked the community" said Mrs. Felix "shocked. Words cannot really begin to describe, although shocked fits the bill fairly well."

Normally Harmless

Smoke signal expert Philip Broadsmith, however, advises people "not to be alarmed".

"Smoke signals are normally harmless to humans" he said, citing that age-old zoologist hack that they 'only normally attack when threatened' or some-such, and so long as 'you leave them alone they'll do the same to you'. You know, the normal complacency-mongering stuff dished out in this situation.

When asked about possible causes for the pack assault, Mr. Broadsmith replied "the smoke signals in question seem to have been driven rabid due to smoke inhalation", and whether pressed further about whether this would only become more frequent, he replied "Look, there hasn't been a single smoke signal assault on a human being in the UK in over a decade!", which we take to mean that yes, smoke signal attacks are going to be on the rise.


Today at 4:50 PM, the government Minister for Smoke, Simon Bolivia, gave a press statement concerning the attack, claiming sympathy for the victim and her community.

Smoke Minister Simon Bolivia
"The problem is, we've tried everything to prevent this kind of attack." said Mr. Bolivia. "Smoking indoors has been banned, petrol prices have been raised, income has been slashed, and I'm not sure what else can be done. I mean, these aren't even tobacco smoke signals, but campfire or bonfire ones!"

Hunting of the renegade smoke signals has been deemed "ineffective" as they are known to slip past the nets, and a smoke signal rights group, headed by oh look its Mr. Broadsmith again, are urging the government not to cause any discomfort to populations of smoke signals.

Mrs. Hemingway remains in a "critical but unharmed" situation, according to Leicestershire county hospital.

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