Student Protest Excells In The Art Of Achieving

By Maria Saintworthy

03.12.2010 - All over the UK, UK

"Swines". "Cavaliers". "Dictatorship". These were some of the words not commonly uttered by students demonstrating in these past few weeks. And for good reason. The first two words have generally fallen out of modern proverbial usage. And they would dare not utter the second, as it would be apocryphal to what the Stalinist reality of their anarcho-liberalist dreams would have eventually become.

These protests, dotted around the country have all excelled in the art of achieving, and that is the art of achieving one thing - absolutely nothing. They complained that the voices of the students had not been heard. They had been heard alright, as they are now, but of course they've also been promptly ignored, as the age-old tradition of society verses students persists.

In a sorry state of affairs, the highlights of these protests themselves weren't initiated or acted upon by the students, but those (probably falsely) claiming to be aligned to the students, breaking Conservative Party office windows, and other such vandalism. Even the police seemed more interesting, what with horses and tear gas and police officers armed with tear gas and mounted on horses. In all honesty, it's no wonder the student protests achieved nothing - indeed, the bigger question is, why did they even bother?

The protests were aimed against cuts and raises. Which seems a bit stupid, really; if something is to be raised, something else needs to be cut, and if something is to be cut, then something else needs to be raised. This is simple economics. Hell, this is simple anything.

One person who in particular should know is Maths student, Lionel Forton. I went undercover to a student protest in his university town of Sheffield, disguised as a disgruntled senior middle class journalist. I asked him the simple question, "Do you agree with the reasons for the protest?" He answered "Yes". This support for the government's policy shows just the naivety of the students - they just want to protest, no matter if they truly believe in it. This would be dangerous if they ever achieved anything, but life has dealt them a hash blow in that they won't. The ones among them who will are precisely the ones who didn't bother showing up to the protests; the ones willing to toe the party lines.

Furthermore, as this image shows, they were more interested in works of fiction than in the actual real life political affairs which they claimed to be protesting:

Dobby is a fictional character. In a recent fictional movie portrayal of the novelized fantasy stories he appears in, he apparently died. This, the students seem to feel, is more important than something they would actually protest for. Broken Britain.

After news of these protests, government ministers whipped themselves up a frenzy - it turns out that events were transpiring across the globe which had nothing to do with the protests, but needed attention urgently. A government spokesperson said:

"We've been very busy these past few days. Things have been happening. In Koreas. In Afghanistan. In the world, really."

 Adding:

"There's no place for listening to students when we have the real world to deal with, the world of hard knocks and broken promises."

Clearly, this world agrees.

THE GNOB - Tyrannosaurus Rex no longer king of the jungle?????

By Dr. Rick Chatham.

12.11.10 - Devon, Devonshire

Last week, a strange gnarled shaft was discovered in the great British countryside. At this point, baffled experts have been unable to determine if it is organic in nature, or simply a badly shaped rock. But consensus agrees that if it is organic, it is very likely a petrified pre-historic penis. A perfectly preserved crown jewel of the age of the dinosaurs.

The object, which is codenamed, the Gnob, is larger than any recorded penis known to man, standing at two feet tall, apparently flaccid.

If the Gnob truly did once belong to a living creature, it would be the largest creature known to man, at least ten times the size of Downing Street.

At this time, Richard Dawkins has not yet commented on the Gnob.

MERLIN TO STOP BEING AWFUL.

By Django This.
08.11.10 - London, Greater London





Today the Daily Lyes received an onymous phone call supplying proof of identification by mouth that the caller was in fact the assistant director for BBC's Merlin, and he subtly hinted by means of explicit statement, that if the television industry economy keeps going the way it is, then Merlin is going to stop being awful.

Merlin started being awful in 2008. So many people tuned in to be disappointed when their rich cultural and historical history was rambled out before them in the fashion of Twilight fan-fiction, that the BBC were more than proud to commision a second and third series.

Our sources say that Merlin is going to start being good with new actors set to take over the cast. Actors who have cheek bones, such as Sean Connery and other fine talents.

(No picture available.)

Our sources are excited for this new dignity. "It's going to be static television . It's going to reach the closest television sets first, like lightning." Said one television executive.

Tirading its way through Arthurian mythology, throwing away vital and timeless ideas with no exchange for good or new storytelling, and bringing the whole family to the television with nothing to scare children or intrigue adults, Merlin is the bastard child of Doctor Who and actual Arthurian Legend. One which it pretends to be similar to, the other which it isn't similar to.

The Merlin Series finale is set to broadcast this saturday.

This week, Django watched Day of the Dead. "Let's face it, Bob
the zombie was clearly the main character."

EPIC FINALE SEES THE SOURCE OF LIFE UNDER WALFORD.

By Django This
01.11.10 - London, Greater London





Eastenders is slagging into an autoterrific finale soon, that will see Phil Mitchell become the protector of the East End, and a magic mystery dog guides the entire cast to a magic light underneath Walford




This week, Django dished it out under the frog belt.

ARE VIDEO GAMES ART? OF COURSE NOT, WHAT A SILLY QUESTION.

By Django This
25.10.10 - London, Greater London





Are video games art? Some people would say yes. But those people could only say yes from the phone in their basement, where they eat chickens with a spade. Thank god they can't procreate, for the only breasts they see are the breasts of their mothers when it's drinking time. But like rats, gamers don't seem to have a problem with this, and as such, video games are the fastest growing medium and have been rising in sales like an economic plague for the past three decades.

Video games aren't art. Art makes people care. No one cares about the robots Mario jumps on. Because they're cartoons. Cartoons aren't drama. Where are the human characters? Where's the seriousness? Where's the rape?


It's not exactly I, Claudius, is it?

What about this. Is this art?


No. This is gambling. So what have we established so far? That gamers are sinners. One point against video games. But if we are going to analyze an artform, we must analyze the community around it. I signed onto an online see-through-the-eyes-of-the-gun game community and monitered this exchange:

Player1: Ciberdemon!
Player2: Muchos ciberdemos
Player1: Si hay muchos
Player2: Muchos grazias signor

What does this prove???? Only that foreigners are learning a second language that isn't English.

A can of soup can be art. Video games are nothing more than cartoons.

This week, Django saw the new costume change for Doctor Who.
"He's wearing jeans!? Cool. Now I can die p***ed off."

THIS IS ENGLAND, THAT'S A BAFTA.

By Django This
18.10.10 - London, Greater London





This is England. A show that's so good, satirists can't make jokes about it. Because it's not funny.

This is England's proud creator, Shane Meadows, steps forward to claim his BAFTA award.

Only a guy named after a field could make a show that talks about commitment issues, (either that of Woody's inability to say 'I do', or Shaun's momentary hesitation in joining the skinhead gang, and later his brief antagonism with his mother,) and then abandons all possible story potential to talk about something more important, like rape. Elegant contrast. Rape is not funny. No one could possibly make jokes about rape. But they can make drama about rape, because rape is epic.

Rape as depicted in the Bible.

And epic rape needs epic music. It's been rumoured that Shane Meadows is auctioning off his music to car advertisers. The rumours indicate that the current bid is in the millions, or higher.

In the final rape scene, Lol threatens to beat her father to death with a hammer. She turns her back on him, and he advances on her, leading to the rape. Is this saying that Lol wanted to be raped? That a part of her enjoyed it? Of course. I'm sure there are many things in This is England that went over my head, which I will only uncover on repeat viewings, but somethings are too important to go over my head. Rape is obviously an important issue, and therefore the themes and subtleties and nuances must be obvious enough for even a thicko to understand, so the message can get out to as many people as possible.

But the rape scene was also cool. It was so cool. There was a hammer, and a hammer beating. And even Craig Charles bringing happy endings and closure to rape victims like some kind of Disney wish upon a star delivery man. I wish Craig Charles would barge through my door and save me from my rapist. I smell Baftas lining up for this series.

Award winning rape.

Unfortunately, it's about young people. So I can only give it an official Daily Lyes rating of 1/10.

1/10 See me after the Baftas.

Buckingham Not Bang For Buck

By Sophie du'Ponce

15.10.10 - Commonwealth of Nations, World

How harrowing it is, that in these difficult financial times, even the Queen is feeling the punch. And this punch is looking set to make the Queen homeless.

It all started with the financial crisis in 2008. What started out as the Recession, became known as the Crevasse. And like everyone else, the Sovereign was under strain and under funded. So she did what any other person in her situation would do; she took out a remortgage on her home.

The situation in late 2008 looked safe. Buckingham Palace is an expensive property. The Queen is known for her good credit rating. And her income made her one of the wealthiest people in the world. But that was two years ago. And over those two years, the Credit Crunch has been transformed into the Credit Crush. And no-one is feeling it more than the queen.

The reason for this is simple. The Queen gives money via taxes to Parliament. Parliament then distributes this money among the people. The people then pump money to the economy. The economy responds by splitting the money between going back to the people and around to the Monarch. This can be demonstrated in this diagram, where the green arrows represent cash flow:

So if something were to happen at any stage of this diagram, the Monarch would be sure to suffer. And this is exactly what has happened.

And now the Queen finds herself in a dire situation. She has had to miss a couple of remortgage payments, and the lenders are not happy. She's been forced into foreclosure. And this means losing Buckingham Palace.

A spokesperson for Buckingham Palace had this to say:

"The circumstances around the repossession of the Palace and subsequent destitution of the Monarch is an unfortunate one, to which we could not see coming, around neither then, nor now"

We don't quite know what this means, but we feel it may be quite important.

The Commissar of the Welfare Right's group SEEB, Harold Monham was not pleased. His opinion on the matter was that this was "outrageous!", and "typical of the fat-cat Tories and their erstwhile Lib Dem allies to allow this to happen!". He went on to further say:

"This is just another in the long legacy of shamelessness enacted in the Crevasse. Another person ' homeless. And we all know why this is. It because t' Tories will only allow this nation's money - which should be going to everyone - to go prop up and line the pockets of their selves and their blue-blooded brethren. Which means the figurative man on the street becomes the actual man on the street!"

When confronted withe the fact that the Queen is in fact one of those "blue-blooded brethren" he talks of, and that it would seem the Tories had not been looking out for her, he declined to further comment on the issue. But he did like to add "in ten or fifteen years time, when ' average man on the street can't even afford a steak-and-kidney pie without that kidney being 'is own, I just 'ope the Tories are happy with their champagne and caviar. I hope they're bloody happy."

In response, the Tory Minister of Science, Simbel Glock, simply said "I probably will be!"

Cameron: "I'm going to make the world a safer place" Experts Disagree.

By Joseph Hinterton

12.10.10 - Oxford, Oxbridge

  Standing outside the Royal Oxford School of Social Sciences at 9 a.m. sharp, the Prime Minister was not in a mood to be messed with. "I'm going to make the world a safer place" said David Cameron, as he made a speech to the children of the secondary school.

David Cameron's plan was simple; he was to issue an Imperial ban on Abu Musab al-Zarqawi, a man who many have previously cited as being third highest person in Al-Qaeda's command chain.

Cameron's stern stare as he authoritatively gave his speech

But many, such as prominent lawyer and legal expert Simon Clark, were quick to disassemble Cameron's plan. "It's absurd!" said Clark. "There's no legal provision which would allow him [Cameron] to issue an Imperial ban on anyone!". Clark went on to say "He isn't even a Monarch! Let alone the Monarch of an empire which hasn't existed for over 200 years!"

"And more to the point, al-Zarqawi has been dead for over 4 years!" added Clark. "What this man is saying is completely insane!"

When approached for comment, a spokesperson for Mr. Cameron told us that the Prime Minister was "sticking by what he said", before claiming that she will "see who gets the last laugh" over Mr. Clark and his allegations.

Reasons why Cameron's Imperial ban cannot work:

• No legal provision in UK or Commonwealth law which would allow Cameron to issue an Imperial ban
• Cameron is not and never has been the Holy Roman Emperor
• The position of Holy Roman Emperor has been non-existent since 1806
• Abu Musab al-Zarqawi has already been dead for over 4 years
• al-Zarqawi was never a UK citizen
• Nor did he ever, to anyone's knowledge, hold any assets within the United Kingdom

EASTENDERS DISCOVERS PLANET, AND BREAKS NEW GROUND WE DIDN'T EVEN KNOW WAS THERE.

By Django This
11.10.10 - London, Greater London





Eastenders has broken so much new ground lately, that we're running out of places to stand. But the show's directors haven't run out of ground to break yet. They are invading the final frontier, to bring it back and invade us with it.

In a new storyline that subtley started with Phil Mitchell blowing up the Queen Vic, Walford Street is going to be invaded by aliens.



A member of staff leaked this information recently. I met up with one of the producers recently and they said that it's going to be television dynamite. It's going to blow up people's TV's. With aliens coming in through the roof, televsions blowing up, and the ground breaking beneath us, no one is going to be able to hide from Stacie Slater's enormous face. This looks like an exciting Fall for television. I for one welcome our new bafta winning overlord themed Radio Times magazine covers. The storyline will see Bianca get tragically replaced by the aliens, which will end in the return of Bianca and the introduction of a new charater, alien Bianca.

Lib Dems Storming Ahead in the Polls - Could This Be The End of LibServative?

By Jillian Winston-Donolley

11.10.10 - London, Greater London

  The latest* poll results came in today, and for Nick Clegg, they are better than he or his party could ever imagine. What they show is a clear-cut 28-point lead for the Liberal Democrats. However, for the incumbent David Cameron the results show only dismal failure - his Conservative party, the current biggest party in the House of Commons, barely scraping fourth place.

A disappointed David Cameron looks on as a smug Nick Clegg takes the centre-stage of British politics

Just edging ahead of the Conservatives are Labour - a possible sign that Ed Milliband has been welcomed by those disillusioned with what they perceive as being the out-of-touch nature of the Conservative party.

The biggest gains, however, were from the Robe$ is buff party, who up until recently, were unheard of, and yet have climbed a staggering 18 points; a stark reminder for the status quo that perhaps modern British politics is destined to change...

* A few months old

Maldives to Annex British Indian Ocean Territory

By Lewis Ouarouarson

11.10.10 - Male, Maldives
  Fitting, isn't it, that a country which was once a British colony, are now going to be the colonizers. The Maldives is their name, and taking over the British Indian Territory is their game.

It all started back in 2008. The future of the Maldives was looking bleak. Tonnes of water was gushing into the Maldives at an alarming rate, with scientists predicting that the majority of inhabited land on the islands, including the capital of Male, would be submerged by December of 2012.

But what, the Maldivians asked, could they do? Some suggested buying land off of India or Sri Lanka and starting anew. For others, a kind of futuristic underwater Atlantean-style settlement would have been preferred, complete with singing crabs (as can be seen in this promotional video commonly mis-cited as being from the Disney film "A Little Mermaid"). Others still preferred the idea of stopping global warming. But for the level-headed among the population, there was only one option.

That's where this man comes in. He is Abdulla Shahid, Speaker of the Majlis. And if you're wondering why that link is broken, it is because it was deleted, in what can only be described in the mind-altering terms of a cover up.

Mr. Shahid's plan was simple; annex the British Indian Ocean Territory. If the United Kingdom resisted, then it's war - and this would be a war the Maldivians could not afford to lose. On the 1st of August 2009, Mr. Shahid organized a televised press conference, whereby he laid out his nations claims. This plan of action, now, was official.

The British were stumped. On the one hand, how could they afford to lose a vital military base, especially to such a small and inferior country? As Giles Royhard, parliamentary candidate for the British National Party in the constituency of Stepton-upon-Themes was quoted as saying,

"This is an outrage. This is British land. This is British interests. This is British people. And it's an outrage that this country I've never even heard of is laying claim to British soil"

When pressed on whether he had heard of the British Indian Ocean Territory beforehand, Mr. Royhard declined to comment.

On the other hand, we had the appeasers of peace; those who wanted to make reparations to the people of the Maldives for once ruling over them. Miles Royhard, parliamentary candidate for the Respect Coalition in the constituency of Stepton-upon-Themes was one such supporter of this line of thought, claiming that not giving in to the Maldivians would be "brutish", "irrational" and "a return to the dark years of imperial-colonial domination and subordination, the likes of which have not been seen since Thatcher tried to irredeemably impose the Poll Tax upon the subjugated hostages who were the citizens of the United Kingdom", or something to that effect.

Eventually, the British government, led by Gordan Brown in a much-played down speech to his wife, children and masonic overlords, decided to concede to the Maldivian wishes, if nothing else than ruffle the feathers of the BNP, and the date was set: the 11th of October 2010, at 4 p.m. GMT. Conveniently the time the whole world stops for a cup of tea. But there was one condition to this metaphorical huddling-in-the-corner-with-their-arms-protecting-their-face: - the Maldivians had to ceremonially invade the islands.

This is what all the fuss is about - Diego Garcia

So, in all but 5 hours, the amphibious landings shall begin, and this historic change of ownership will commence. And who knows where the future will lead?..