By Leonard Davies
20.08.12 - Lancashire, UK
Anthrax. A painful and acute disease caused by the spores of the bacterium Bacillus anthracis. Once its killing power belonged only to the realms of nature, now it's swornedly in the hands of man itself.
For years the warning signs were obvious. Saddam tried to weaponise anthrax in the 90's. Though he might have failed, Al Qaeda picked up where he left off - and succeeded.
In Lancashire, one man is dead from anthrax which has been cut into his drugs. The intention here is obvious: Al Qaeda are obviously contaminating our drugs with anthrax in order to kill our children.
Children. Young, naive, rebellious. A vicious cocktail of mentality which they mix with anthrax-laced heroin. This could be the child you see playing down the street, the child coming home from school, even your own child.
Dr. Morgan, a medical expert, says further cases are only too likely. Heroin mostly comes from the Al-Qaeda-controlled opium fields of Afghanistan, and now they know how to contaminate, it's gonna be a hard slog stopping them.
We asked the government what measures they're taking. A government spokesperson told us "Well, I think the real question is what would the Labour Party do? I think it's fairly obvious to all that if the Labour Party were in power, that the number of cases would shoot up." We were left to assume that the pun was most definitely intended.
Penny Heath, Labour Party activist, urges action. "What we need is for the Lib-servatives to rethink their economic policy. They need to stop cutting taxes and start focusing on the real issues".
Taking the Fight to Them
But UKIP Deputy MEP Clyde Runtsworth thinks that the real solution lays in taking the fight to the terrorists.
"We've got our armed forces out there, undermanned and undergunned. We've got the SAS, the SBS, MI5. There's no reason we can't go out and catch the terrorists!"
When quizzed in Parliament today on why he hasn't yet caught terrorist leader Osama Bin Laden, the Prime Minister was at first befuddled, perhaps indicating that he didn't want to admit responsibility for his failure. When pressed by opposition backbencher's assistant William Potsmith, Mr Cameron replied that Osama is "already dead", further adding "and who the bloody Hell are you, anyway?" The assistant and Mr Cameron then introduced themselves to each other and proceeded with Parliament.
Perhaps we have not yet got to the bottom of this story, but one thing is for sure: If you're going to shoot up some smack, make sure it isn't contaminated.